Thursday, December 16, 2010
Today, I wanted share a little bit of one of our discussions this week ..I think she had some great things to say and that it would be beneficial for more than just me :)
Me: ...I have found that closer I get to God and His Spirit the more aware I am of my struggles, making me more unsettled than peaceful!
It is just a natural growth thing, I know, but its interesting to me. The more I allow the Spirit to come through, the more I see myself in contrast. I am actually finding peace harder to come by right now - isnt that strange?
I see myself struggling more with everything ...I see my pride more, I see my impatience and my insecurities more clearly. I also find that my defaults in starker contrast to the nature I desire and so I find that I am frustrated with that. I am having a harder time with finding that place of peaceful passivity because I want to overcome it all but in so many ways feel I am so far from being able to do that.
I know it the Spirit who does, not me but all the feelings of inadequacy are effecting my ability to really give myself over to Him ..and that may be the crux of the matter right there, now that I am writing it out.
My wise and wonderful friend: I totally feel you on the "aware of inadequacies" thing when it comes to being close to God...One thing I am realizing, though, is that my self-sufficiency gets in the way of my relationship with God sometimes. It's like, if He shows me all of these things wrong with me, then I freak and feel like I need to get a handle on them. I am realizing more and more, though, that I can do nothing to improve my own situation. I can only throw myself on God's mercy. And I'm slowly (SLOWLY) learning how to do that.
Referencing when we feel overwhelmed and behind ..." Today I realized that my mental fatigue and distractedness didn't have to weaken me spiritually at all. That's b/c I am not the one powering my relationship with God. God is. And God doesn't have a cold today, and God is not sleep deprived. God is just as powerful as He was yesterday. And b/c I have His Spirit in me, I can be just as loving and oriented toward God as I was yesterday. And you know what? Today has been fantastic. I am not mentally flogging myself for being so "behind," b/c what am I behind on? Nothing. My only job is this world is to glorify God with all of my being, and God does not care if my house looks perfect. He cares that I am doing what I need to be doing in that moment. And what I need to be doing in this moment is loving the people around me and talking about Him to you, and--soon--making treats for other people. So I am resisting the urge to pile other imaginary obligations on top of that."
I hope you benefited today from these words, as I did ...and that you have a friend you can share such thoughts with :)
Posted by Courtney at 3:58 PM